The Algorithm
THE algorithm that dictates everything, has decided that as a middle-aged woman, I am only interested dieting, skincare, cookery and household tips. Besides being boring, it’s not making me feel better about getting older. In fact, it makes me more anxious and as self-critical as the average fourteen-year old.
But why does it have this power? I went to a spa many years ago to have a facial as a treat and as an escape from three small children and a husband who doesn’t cook. While I was lying there, blissed out on the aromatherapy smells and whale music, the facialist leant over and looking worriedly at my skin said the following words, ‘how long have you had rosacea?’ Now, at the time I was in my forties and oblivious to the fact that years of lying under a Greek sun had damaged my skin, so I said, ‘what’s rosacea?’ Her look of pity stays with me.
And that is the problem with the algorithm. It gives you problems that you never knew you had. It shows you the dirt at the back of the fridge that you never saw. It points out the wrinkles in your neck that you never noticed because after all who examines their necks? It squeezes the excess on your midriff and gives you tonnes of advice on how to get rid of it, instead of just moving the button on your trousers as my mother would have done. All in all, it makes you feel terrible about yourself and obsessed with hygiene, appearance and getting thinner.
But the algorithm only reflects what you are interested in, I hear you say, you have told the algorithm that this is what interests you, it does not sit there and decide, ah, that sixty something woman lying on her couch in County Dublin needs to be motivated to run a marathon, do chair yoga and have a sparklingly clean house. And yes, maybe that is true, maybe it is all my fault, and I have been lured into endlessly watching one woman after another miraculously get rid of her wrinkles, muffin top or gunge at the back of her fridge. But I’ve had enough. I’m downing tools, downing the phone and making my own rules.
So here are MY top tips for dieting, skincare, household tips and cookery:
1) Don’t look at yourself in the mirror with your glasses on and lower the lighting in your bathroom. You’ll be amazed at how much better you look.
2) Get rid of your weighing scales and once a year talk to your GP about your weight and overall health. If he or she says you’re OK, then go with that.
3) If at all possible, pay someone to clean your house once a month. If you can’t, then when your friends or family are pass remarkable about the state of your fridge or bathroom or oven, don’t invite them back.
4) Cook what you like to eat.
If none of that works, you can always be sensible and go to your settings, then click privacy and turn off the ‘allow apps to request to track’ setting at the top of the screen!
You’re welcome!