Pancake Tuesday
We didn’t get pancakes the day Da died. I had been really looking forward to pancakes for ages but Da had come home from work in the middle of the morning and gone up to his room complaining of indigestion followed by my Mam saying over and over, “I think I should get the doctor, Joe.” By the time she did get the doctor it was all too late and my Dad had died. Then she kept saying, “I knew I should have called the doctor sooner,” but this time she didn’t say it to anyone in particular.
Then my Mam started to cry and all the neighbours came in and sat with her in the front room. Myself and Eoin sat in the kitchen waiting to be told what to do. But nobody told us anything. So, me and Eoin went down to the river to play. We climbed out as far as we could over the river, hanging on to the big branch. We took it in turns holding on. One of us jumped up and down trying to make the other one let go. But we never did, although I thought I heard the branch crack. Then we went back to the town and bought chips at the chipper. Rosa was looking all sad and asked us how we were and Eoin said we were fine and Rosa gave us two extra scoopfuls of chips and a bottle of TK red lemonade which we didn’t even have to pay for. On the way home eating our chips and drinking the lemonade, people from the town kept stopping us and saying things like, “I’m sorry for your troubles, boys,” or “I’ll say a prayer for you all.” Eoin said, “thank you” and everyone smiled at him. Mr McGann, the butcher, kept blowing his nose with a big handkerchief and ruffling Eoin’s hair. I didn’t say anything. I can never think of anything to say when grown-ups say things like, “how are you?” or “how is the family?” or worst of all “how is school?” So, I just say nothing. Mrs Dempster in number 24 says I’ve got a desperate long gob on me and that I’ll never be famous for my charm.
When we got home, Mam was still sitting in the front room. All the neighbours had gone home, but Father McIntyre was standing at the fireplace smoking a cigarette.
“Ah, there they are now Mrs Davis. I knew there was nothing to be worried about. Your mother was worried about you boys.”
Mam didn’t open her mouth, she was staring into the fire and not at us, which was a good thing because our shoes were soaking from the river. Father McIntyre looked at Mam and back at us. “Maybe you should run along and go to bed boys.”
“There are sausages on the pan,” Mam suddenly said and looked at us for a second and then biting her lip, turned away real quick.
Eoin said, “We got chips, we’re not hungry.” Mam didn’t say anything more, she just nodded as if in agreement.
“You’re going to have to be big boys now. Especially you, Kevin. Because you’re the eldest,” said Father McIntyre throwing his cigarette into the fire. I nodded back.
Your Da was a great man, you know. One of the finest men I ever knew.” I nodded again. I thought for a second he was going to cry. But he didn’t. We went upstairs. It was too cold to get undressed so we just into bed in our clothes. I lay on my back staring into the dark at my Liverpool posters. I tried not to think about Da lying in the room next door but then Eoin said, “do you think his eyes are open?”
“Shut up,” I whispered and Eoin started snuffling a bit. So, I said, “John Toshack.” There was a pause for a moment and then a muffled voice came out from under the candlewick bedspread, “Steve Heighway,” “Emlyn Hughes,” “Kevin Keegan,” By the time I got to “Ray Clemence,” I knew Eoin was fast asleep.
***
The next day nobody said we had to go to school, so we played down by the river again and in the afternoon, we bought trigger bars and sherbet fountains and we went to the pictures to see ‘Where Eagles Dare’. It was brilliant and afterwards we came out and Eoin rand down the main street shouting, “Achtung, achtung,” and “raus, bitte, raus.” Everybody looked at us but nobody gave out. We arrived back at the house. It was totally silent and suddenly our laughing felt bad, like we had forgotten that Da had died. Father McIntyre was in the sitting room again. Mam was still sitting in her chair facing the fire which wasn’t lit. It felt funny seeing Mam sitting all the time, usually she is always doing things like the ironing or the cooking or the cleaning or the washing of our hair on a Friday night. But now she seemed to have nothing to do.
“Boys, how are you boys?” said Fr McIntyre.
“OK, father,” said Eoin.
“Good. Good. I was thinking that maybe you would like to come upstairs and say goodbye to your father?”
Eoin and I said nothing but I could almost feel Eoin shrink against the wall. I looked over at Mam but she was looking at the floor directly in front of us.
“I think it’s important to say goodbye. What do you say boys?” I knew this wasn’t really a question, so I just nodded.
We followed Fr McIntyre up the stairs to the front bedroom. The curtains were closed against the grey March evening. The bedside lamp gave a weird glow to the bedroom and the wardrobe loomed larger than usual in the alcove beside the unlit fireplace. The room felt strange, like it was a room I had never been in before. We stood in the doorway. Fr McIntyre gestured us to come in further. We shuffled forward six inches.
Da was lying on the bed. And I couldn’t believe it, not only was he fully dressed in his best suit and the tie he got last year in Arnott’s in the sale, but he was wearing his best black leather shoes. His shoes on the bed! Mam would kill us if we were lying on the bed with our shoes on. But I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t really see his face and I didn’t want to, but Fr McIntyre seemed to be pushing me towards the bed. And then I saw the face and I stepped back against Fr McIntyre. It wasn’t Da’s face. It mustn’t be Da. It must be some other man who was the same size of Da and who had black hair swept back and who was wearing his best suit and his black leather shoes. But it definitely wasn’t Da.
I knew my Da. He was big and solid. And he was always smiling. The same picture kept replaying in my head. It was the picture of me and Eoin and Mam and Da sitting around the kitchen table. It’s Saturday evening and we are having sausages and rashers and grilled tomatoes for tea. The big pot of tea is sitting in the middle and Mam has got to get more bread and butter. Eoin is talking. Making us all laugh with a story about little JoJo McManus and the time he did a wee in the confessional box. And then Da looks over at me and he is smiling with hands up against the back of his head. And I look over at him and catch his eye and then he gives me a great, big, fat wink. And every bit of me is smiling too.
That’s the Da I remember, the Da who makes me feel like I don’t have to be funny, or clever or anything special. That just being Kevin is enough.
Then I was running down the stairs. I knew I had to get away. I was running out the front door. My legs just wanted to run and run. My stomach felt sour and heavy. I was running down the road. My voice wanted to say something but nothing came out. I wanted to be away from everyone. From Mam and her blank face. From Fr McIntyre and his cigarettes that he is throwing into our fireplace. From Eoin and his snuffling. From all the people in the town with their looks. And from Da. Because I knew in my heart that the yellow-faced man on the bed in our front room was my Da. And that he was dead. Da is dead. The words went around my head like the church bells on Sunday morning.
I sat down by the river and wiped my face with the sleeve of my jumper. I didn’t want to go back to them all. So, I just sat there. For a long time. Trying to think of nothing which is a hard thing to do. Harder than you would think. And then when it was dark, I heard Mam’s voice and she was calling my name. I stood up and she was climbing down the bank in her indoor shoes and her tweed coat and even in the dark, I could see her face had a fierce sort of look on it, “what are you doing running away like that?” And I was happy that she sounded cross. Then she gave me a hug and her shoulders were shaking. After a long time, she pulled away and tried real hard to smile, “let’s go home and I’ll make some pancakes for tea.” I love pancakes, so we went home together.