LOSER
Oh my god, like Sophie is such a b.i.t.c.h.. I can’t believe we were ever friendly. We were standing outside school today and Joanne said to me, that Sophie said to her, that she, Sophie, is really pissed off with me because she heard I was talking to Fionn all night on Saturday and that I knew he was off limits. And I said I was only talking to him and I didn’t know that she had gone out with him when they were in Irish College. I mean how could I have known? I didn’t even go to Irish College because I am dyslexic, so I’m like exhumed from Irish or whatever, so how could I have known that she’d gone out with him for 0.2 seconds a year ago. I mean it’s completely ridiculous.
Then all the others just turned around and looked at me like they so didn’t believe me and that I’m sort of boyfriend stealing trashbag and Sophie said that it wasn’t girl code and so then I got annoyed. I said, ‘well he didn’t even remember you Sophie’ and she went all red and everyone put their arms around her. Apparently she had really liked him for ages after Irish college but he didn’t want to hurt his old girlfriend in Dalkey, whose parents had just broken up or some such complete crap, because after if he’d really liked Sophie he would have gone out with her. But Sophie is so blonde and perfect and used to getting everything her own way since she was born, that fact had escaped her notice. Anyway, they all practically hissed at me so I decided to leave.
As I walked home, I texted Laura who is like my real best friend but she must be doing Hip Hop because she didn’t reply. Laura and I went to National School together, but I was sent to St Mary’s. Mum said it is a ‘good’ school but what she meant was that it was a posh school and everyone’s parents drive Beamers and Mercs and nobody says ‘youse lot’ like we used to at our old school. But on days like today, I really miss my old friends, we’d never have gotten into stupid fights like this.
When I got home, Mum was sitting on the phone. I knew by the way she looked completely through me when I walked in the door that she must be doing her weekly stint as a helper on CrapKids or whatever it’s called. It’s a helpline for loser parents with loser kids. I stood staring into the fridge for ages but there was absolutely nothing to eat and I was starving. Mum was still on the phone, going “mmm, mmm.” She tried to ignore me for ages but eventually I won, like I always do, and she rifled through her handbag and handed me a tenner, waving me away at the same time and saying, “I know, I know it must be hard on you.” Dominos Pizza delivery on its way!
The next day, Sophie and her gang completely ignored me. But did I care? No way. I sat in the front of the class and talked to Urusla, who is like the most unpopular girl in the class. Ursula is the archetype SAD girl, she is well, let’s say large, wears glasses and has really wiry hair that no amount of straightening can do anything with. At first, she looked a bit embarrassed by me talking to her because normally no one talks to her, but then she relaxed and after English she hung around waiting for me to walk over to the Chemistry lab with her. That suited me just fine.
I didn’t know why no one likes Ursula really. It’s not because she isn’t cool or pretty, well she isn’t, but there are lots of girls in our school who aren’t cool or pretty but they are not actively outlawed like Ursula was. I think it goes back to something that happened at the beginning of First year. We were in Maths class and we had just done stimulating equations or whatever they’re called, which no one understood and then Ursula put up her hand and asked, “are we going to have a test on this,” and Mr O’Toole said, “that’s a good idea Ursula, expect a test tomorrow,” and everyone groaned. And instead of Ursula looking embarrassed or sick at what she had done, she laughed and looked quite pleased at everyone’s reaction. That was the bit that made her unpopular, the fact that she didn’t care what anyone thought. It was bizarre. From that day, no one had talked to her or texted her or included her in their after-school plans. She just came and went like a ghost really. I didn’t know where she lived or whether she had brothers or sisters or what car her Dad drove or anything.
On the way to the Chemistry Lab, Ursula asked me, “do you like Corral music”. I was a bit surprised because my Granny likes the Corrs, not anyone our age. But I guess there is no accounting for taste, so I said, “My Mum thinks Andrea is too thin.” Ursula shook her head and laughed. We were partners in Chemistry which was cool because Ursula knew what to do all the time and we didn’t have to wait for Miss O’Keefe to come around and show us, like when I am partners with Sophie or Joanne.
For the rest of the day, I sat beside Ursula. It was so strange, just the two of us. No one spoke to us. It was like I had entered another zone. ‘The no-friends zone’. And the thing was, Ursula obviously didn’t notice that no one talked to her. Or else she was so used to it that she didn’t care, she just doodled away on her copy book, oblivious. If I was her, I would be so suicidal.
At lunchtime, we ate our sandwiches behind the tennis courts in silence. With Ursula, I don’t feel like we have to talk all the time. When I am with Sophie or Joanne or even Laura, everyone is fighting to talk and to be the funniest or to be the one everyone wanted to be liked. After we finished eating, I sat with my back to the wall and my face to the sun. Ursula pulled out her phone and started listening to music.
“Listen to this,” she said, putting an earphone to my left ear. I closed my eyes. The most amazing singing filled my brain. Different voices twisted and turned on each other, one moment it would be calm and still, and then more voices would join in and raise the hairs on my arms. Out of nowhere, I could feel tears stinging my nose and my eyes.
Then over the music, I heard some girls’ voices. I squinted my eyes open. Ursula was lying on the grass beside me and looking like she was being lifted up to heaven. Some fifth years were walking by on the way to play tennis. Suddenly I felt strange, here on our own, in the back field, with our eyes closed. I could hear Sophie’s voice in my head, “Weirdos.”
“Let’s get back,” I said, “lunch must be over.”
*****
That night I tried to talk to Mum about all the stuff in school but she kept picking up the phone and checking her messages which was so annoying because she is always giving out to me for being stuck on my phone. So, I gave up and went to my room and voice messaged Laura instead. She told me that there was a Snapchat saying that Ursula was “special” with inverted commas and we all know what that means. She said that I should be really, really careful or else they would all hate me too. Laura is always looking out for me and gives good, practical advice. We decided that I should just sit on my own and ignore everybody, including Ursula and Sophie.
The next day, I sat alone at the back of the class. That was fine for double history and business but at break, Ursula sat down beside me in the canteen and offered me some Pringles. I could hardly say no, so we chatted about the French verb test we were having that afternoon.
As I was walking back to class, I got a text. It was from Sophie: ‘do u wnt to go shppg cntr aft skul?’ That was weird. I couldn’t work out why she was being nice again. I decided I would have to talk to Laura first, so I didn’t reply. But then I got another text. Huh? So, I said OK.
*****
I met Sophie and Joanne at the back gate and we walked over to the shopping centre. Sophie had a tenner to buy a top. She decided that she needed to go to every single shop first, and look at every single top priced at €9.99, before she went back to the first shop and bought the very first one she’d seen. But as I do the exact same thing whenever I am buying anything, I did not really mind. Then Sophie looked at her watch and exchanged looks with Joanne and said, “let’s get smoothies and sit outside on the steps.” I hoped that this wasn’t to any more conversation about Fionn, because I have a confession to make; the only reason he had talked to me that night was because my cousin played on the same rugby team as he had last year and he had gone to some amazing rugby camp in France and he wanted to find out what it was like. Not because he liked me or fancied me or anything remotely interested. But after Sophie made such a big deal of it, I so did not want her to find that out.
We took our smoothies and sat outside. The square was pretty quiet because it getting dark. There were just some disabled people being pushed along in wheelchairs. I was thinking about whether Mum would buy me a top I had seen in Zara when I realised Sophie and Joanne were looking at me funny.
“What? What?”
The both moved their gaze from me to the disabled people. I was a bit embarrassed looking because Mum always told me not to stare. But then I saw some bad hair and glasses looking at me. It was Ursula and she was pushing a grey-haired lady who was sitting all stiff in the wheelchair.
“That’s her Mum,” whispered Sophie. I looked away, mortified at staring. But then I couldn’t help myself peeking back but they had moved on.
“They’re here ever week. We found out about a month ago.” Sophie was whispering but her teeth were showing. “Poor Ursula. No wonder she’s so weird.” I couldn’t speak for a few seconds. Sophie and her beautiful, blonde hair and her white, white teeth and her French manicured nails looked so perfect. So untouchable.
But at last my voice came,
“You brought me here. Deliberately. To show me.”
Sophie’s mouth smiled and her eyes never left mine.
“I thought you should know,” her voice was so fake and two pretend lines of concern crossed her brow.
That was enough for me. I jumped up and grabbed my schoolbag.
“You loser,” I said without looking at herself or Joanne. I threw my smoothie into the bin and ran after the group which was just turning the corner.
“Hey, Ursula,” I called, “wait for me.”